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This should intrigue some thought in some of y'all. Left Wing, Awaaaaay!
The Holy Libel.
Hiya there mere mortals! God Almighty here. To be honest Martin's been saying far too many blasphemous things about me lately, the sinful little toe rag, so I've cursed him good and proper with 'writer's block' as a form of divine punishment. It seems that I'm getting a very bad 'rep' with the youth of today, in particular with you longhaired, tattooed types. So I thought it about time to set the record straight on just a couple of important points. Firstly, whilst I have numerous different names all over your insignificant planet, I answer to every one of them. Allah, God, Elvis, Jehovah etc., it's all the same to me matey. So sorry, but none of you are my 'chosen ones'- you're all in this shit together I'm afraid. I've already sent more than enough of my prophets down to your scruffy, little Earth over the years - Jesus Christ, Mohammed, David Icke, The Buddha and Bill Hicks, to name but a few. The only problem is you've either killed them off or got totally the wrong idea about what they were trying to say upon my behalf every time. I'm also starting to grow extremely weary of all this Father & Him malarkey by the way, because basically I am neither male nor female. I'm a pan-dimensional being easily capable of creating your entire universe, (amongst countless others), with no more effort than a mere twitch of my divine eyebrow, and therefore not bound by the narrow constraints of either species, race, gender or sexuality thank you very much indeed. I most certainly did not make you in my own image!!! I am your God and therefore I'm well sexy, (you would all instantly orgasm in your humanoid panties if you actually beheld my true loveliness). Whilst you lot on the other hand are just a load of ugly, sweaty and hairless apes. I accidentally created your entire universe whilst suffering from an evil hangover of truly biblical proportions - so just get over it! I've also heard rumours that some of you even doubt that I actually exist. No worries at all, very soon indeed now one of you puny-minded human beings will eventually discover the conclusive proof that I'm absolutely everywhere all at once - omnipotent in fact. lol. My guess is that it'll be some quantum physicist or mathematician rather than any 'holy man' or theologian who finds out my secrets first. God knows, (and I most certainly do), I've left plenty of badly hidden clues lying around everywhere for you dumb-ass, shaven monkeys to discover. If you humans either peer deeply enough down your electron microscopes or far enough off into outer space you'll find my autograph there. I've already tagged it all mate - I guess that you're sadly just too blind or stupid to read my divine graffiti at present?
Your universe was born from a point far smaller than nothing, on a very boring, rainy Sunday afternoon around 13.7 billion Earth years ago, (give or a take a week or two). It popped out with a Bang so Big that you can still hear its echo today if you listen carefully to your TV or radio detuned in-between adjacent stations. Your universe is just one amongst infinite others, a miniscule speck in a limitless multiverse which is beyond most current human comprehension. They all float together, kind of like the glistening soapy bubbles in your dishwater I guess. Each appears out from nowhere; they exist for just a fleeting instant and then eventually dissipate and move on. For such is the transient nature of all my creations. You have thankfully been blessed with an amazing universe in which to live. You've got light, matter, Space-Time and gravity just for starters - lucky buggers! They are the basic bricks and mortar from which you and everything else was made. Yours is also an energetic universe, which is a happening place to be in celestial real estate terms. You know how a piece of music is composed of numerous notes, which travel through the air to your ears? Well folks, the whole of your visible, tangible universe is constructed from vibrating energy waveforms when viewed at the sub-atomic level. In short, it's like you're each a minute fragment of a vast, living, multi-dimensional, interactive cosmic symphony or computer game - and I'm busy making it up as we go along. All rather impressive stuff don't you reckon? Though some of your top scientists may still doubt my very existence, I'm certain they'd agree with me on most of those previous statements. Your universe is a far, far weirder place than anything you could ever imagine – and I know this fact because I am your God remember. Creating sentient life forms is like cooking great Indian food from scratch. It requires an enormous time and effort. The heavy elements from which your fragile bodies are formed have already been forged infinite times before by my own hand within the hearts of myriad stars from galaxies long since destroyed. I gave you human beings a planet in the very nicest region of the most comfortable galaxy system available - with a molten hot core, its own everlasting electro-magnetic field, liquid water as well as a clean, breathable atmosphere, Godammit, and also at exactly the right distance away from the nearest star. I even threw in a moon for free on that 2-4-1 offer I was doing a while back!!! I've invested a hellish amount of patience and energy into making you chaps, and I had really high hopes for humanity as a species; I'd just kick-started your evolution and then naively trusted you to get along with it – and regrettably I must say what a horrendous disappointment you've all proven to be so far!
The Mayan peoples believed that your World would come to an end in December 2012. The way I'm feeling right now, I might well just see to it that they are proven 666% correct. I wiped-out those dinosaurs 65 million years ago because they frankly became far too big, stupid and 'bitey'. Well, the same fate awaits you humans unless you can mend the error of your ways. During a time when the planet I lovingly made for you is rapidly dying, you're seemingly all preoccupied with arguing about which name I prefer to be called by. Offering me talking Christian action-figures and Barbie Dolls wearing Muslim hijab headscarves is not the answer I'm afraid. But stopping killing one another and raping the environment would however be an excellent place to start. I most certainly do not 'speak' to any of your leaders and instruct them to wage their holy wars upon my behalf. If anyone either offends me or takes my name in vain then it's solely my job to sort them out. So stick with your Playstations and leave me alone to play God if that's OK with you lot? Just for the record, I sent my Arch Angel Gabriel down to earth with the strictest instructions to "make George W. Bush irrelevant". Sadly Gabriel's gone rather deaf lately from all that horn blowing, and he mistakenly thought I'd said to make George the president. I guess you've all realised what a truly monumental error this was by now, and hopefully you're taking steps to replace him ASAP? I'm getting sick and tired of constantly hearing those fundamental religious types blaming the World's woes and ills upon Satan, when in truth it's you humans who are responsible for creating so much of the evil that you see all around you. If you read some of the very earliest editions of my most sacred books you'll learn that Satan was originally one of my emissaries, an avenging angel whose services I hire from time to time to help-out with the 'dirty jobs' of punishing, smiting and cursing evil-doers etc. Whilst I'll agree she's not the kind of girl you should ever invite over your mother's house for a cup of tea, blaming all your earthly misfortunes upon her is just a tad unfair in my opinion. If you want my advice, (and believe me you do!), then the people that you really need to be watching-out for these days are those who falsely claim to speak on my behalf. These are the hypocritical liars whose hollow promises will only lead you all down a path to self-destruction and despair. So come along now humanity! Remember that you've only got until December 21st 2012 to get this planet fixed-up nicely and stop all this damned, pathetic bickering amongst yourselves - Or else I've got a bloody massive meteorite with your name written on it heading directly towards the Earth very soon indeed. Judge you later boys and girls! Amen. God xxx
The Holy Libel.
Hiya there mere mortals! God Almighty here. To be honest Martin's been saying far too many blasphemous things about me lately, the sinful little toe rag, so I've cursed him good and proper with 'writer's block' as a form of divine punishment. It seems that I'm getting a very bad 'rep' with the youth of today, in particular with you longhaired, tattooed types. So I thought it about time to set the record straight on just a couple of important points. Firstly, whilst I have numerous different names all over your insignificant planet, I answer to every one of them. Allah, God, Elvis, Jehovah etc., it's all the same to me matey. So sorry, but none of you are my 'chosen ones'- you're all in this shit together I'm afraid. I've already sent more than enough of my prophets down to your scruffy, little Earth over the years - Jesus Christ, Mohammed, David Icke, The Buddha and Bill Hicks, to name but a few. The only problem is you've either killed them off or got totally the wrong idea about what they were trying to say upon my behalf every time. I'm also starting to grow extremely weary of all this Father & Him malarkey by the way, because basically I am neither male nor female. I'm a pan-dimensional being easily capable of creating your entire universe, (amongst countless others), with no more effort than a mere twitch of my divine eyebrow, and therefore not bound by the narrow constraints of either species, race, gender or sexuality thank you very much indeed. I most certainly did not make you in my own image!!! I am your God and therefore I'm well sexy, (you would all instantly orgasm in your humanoid panties if you actually beheld my true loveliness). Whilst you lot on the other hand are just a load of ugly, sweaty and hairless apes. I accidentally created your entire universe whilst suffering from an evil hangover of truly biblical proportions - so just get over it! I've also heard rumours that some of you even doubt that I actually exist. No worries at all, very soon indeed now one of you puny-minded human beings will eventually discover the conclusive proof that I'm absolutely everywhere all at once - omnipotent in fact. lol. My guess is that it'll be some quantum physicist or mathematician rather than any 'holy man' or theologian who finds out my secrets first. God knows, (and I most certainly do), I've left plenty of badly hidden clues lying around everywhere for you dumb-ass, shaven monkeys to discover. If you humans either peer deeply enough down your electron microscopes or far enough off into outer space you'll find my autograph there. I've already tagged it all mate - I guess that you're sadly just too blind or stupid to read my divine graffiti at present?
Your universe was born from a point far smaller than nothing, on a very boring, rainy Sunday afternoon around 13.7 billion Earth years ago, (give or a take a week or two). It popped out with a Bang so Big that you can still hear its echo today if you listen carefully to your TV or radio detuned in-between adjacent stations. Your universe is just one amongst infinite others, a miniscule speck in a limitless multiverse which is beyond most current human comprehension. They all float together, kind of like the glistening soapy bubbles in your dishwater I guess. Each appears out from nowhere; they exist for just a fleeting instant and then eventually dissipate and move on. For such is the transient nature of all my creations. You have thankfully been blessed with an amazing universe in which to live. You've got light, matter, Space-Time and gravity just for starters - lucky buggers! They are the basic bricks and mortar from which you and everything else was made. Yours is also an energetic universe, which is a happening place to be in celestial real estate terms. You know how a piece of music is composed of numerous notes, which travel through the air to your ears? Well folks, the whole of your visible, tangible universe is constructed from vibrating energy waveforms when viewed at the sub-atomic level. In short, it's like you're each a minute fragment of a vast, living, multi-dimensional, interactive cosmic symphony or computer game - and I'm busy making it up as we go along. All rather impressive stuff don't you reckon? Though some of your top scientists may still doubt my very existence, I'm certain they'd agree with me on most of those previous statements. Your universe is a far, far weirder place than anything you could ever imagine – and I know this fact because I am your God remember. Creating sentient life forms is like cooking great Indian food from scratch. It requires an enormous time and effort. The heavy elements from which your fragile bodies are formed have already been forged infinite times before by my own hand within the hearts of myriad stars from galaxies long since destroyed. I gave you human beings a planet in the very nicest region of the most comfortable galaxy system available - with a molten hot core, its own everlasting electro-magnetic field, liquid water as well as a clean, breathable atmosphere, Godammit, and also at exactly the right distance away from the nearest star. I even threw in a moon for free on that 2-4-1 offer I was doing a while back!!! I've invested a hellish amount of patience and energy into making you chaps, and I had really high hopes for humanity as a species; I'd just kick-started your evolution and then naively trusted you to get along with it – and regrettably I must say what a horrendous disappointment you've all proven to be so far!
The Mayan peoples believed that your World would come to an end in December 2012. The way I'm feeling right now, I might well just see to it that they are proven 666% correct. I wiped-out those dinosaurs 65 million years ago because they frankly became far too big, stupid and 'bitey'. Well, the same fate awaits you humans unless you can mend the error of your ways. During a time when the planet I lovingly made for you is rapidly dying, you're seemingly all preoccupied with arguing about which name I prefer to be called by. Offering me talking Christian action-figures and Barbie Dolls wearing Muslim hijab headscarves is not the answer I'm afraid. But stopping killing one another and raping the environment would however be an excellent place to start. I most certainly do not 'speak' to any of your leaders and instruct them to wage their holy wars upon my behalf. If anyone either offends me or takes my name in vain then it's solely my job to sort them out. So stick with your Playstations and leave me alone to play God if that's OK with you lot? Just for the record, I sent my Arch Angel Gabriel down to earth with the strictest instructions to "make George W. Bush irrelevant". Sadly Gabriel's gone rather deaf lately from all that horn blowing, and he mistakenly thought I'd said to make George the president. I guess you've all realised what a truly monumental error this was by now, and hopefully you're taking steps to replace him ASAP? I'm getting sick and tired of constantly hearing those fundamental religious types blaming the World's woes and ills upon Satan, when in truth it's you humans who are responsible for creating so much of the evil that you see all around you. If you read some of the very earliest editions of my most sacred books you'll learn that Satan was originally one of my emissaries, an avenging angel whose services I hire from time to time to help-out with the 'dirty jobs' of punishing, smiting and cursing evil-doers etc. Whilst I'll agree she's not the kind of girl you should ever invite over your mother's house for a cup of tea, blaming all your earthly misfortunes upon her is just a tad unfair in my opinion. If you want my advice, (and believe me you do!), then the people that you really need to be watching-out for these days are those who falsely claim to speak on my behalf. These are the hypocritical liars whose hollow promises will only lead you all down a path to self-destruction and despair. So come along now humanity! Remember that you've only got until December 21st 2012 to get this planet fixed-up nicely and stop all this damned, pathetic bickering amongst yourselves - Or else I've got a bloody massive meteorite with your name written on it heading directly towards the Earth very soon indeed. Judge you later boys and girls! Amen. God xxx
